On Melbourne Cup day 2012, I propose that Australia unites against the staying peril from abroad that threatens to overwhelm our nation's greatest horserace. Across the oceans they come for us, come to steal our gold with their superior thoroughbreds, and our women with their effortless class and names like Christophe and Alain. In this year's Melbourne Cup, the first seven horses over the line had not set foot on this big island before this spring (last year's French victor excluded). The much
On Melbourne Cup day 2012, I propose that Australia unites against the staying peril from abroad that threatens to overwhelm our nation's greatest horserace. Across the oceans they come for us, come to steal our gold with their superior thoroughbreds, and our women with their effortless class and names like Christophe and Alain. In this year's Melbourne Cup, the first seven horses over the line had not set foot on this big island before this spring (last year's French victor excluded). The much improved Niwot was the only galloper to fly the Aussie colours, running out of his skin for eighth (and his father's an Irishman anyway!). Indeed, if Niwot is this cavalry's most feared warhorse, then our children's future looks decidedly grim... So instead of waiting for the big studs to finally breed a half decent stayer (or annex one from New Zealand and claim it as our own), it's time for the people to take matters into their own filthy hands. That's right, the peasants are revolting. Viva la revolucion!
My proposal is thus:
Instead of wasting your token $5 on next year's Cup day office or barbeque sweep, I suggest every Australian adult instead donates their sweep cash to my National Stayers Fund. The money within will then be used to pay the service fees of the best staying sires in Australia and New Zealand (if any of these mythical white creatures - complete with long, pointed, spiraling horn - do, in fact, exist). $5 from just 15 million parochial Australians, for example, would net $75,000,000 for our coffers. At $100,000 per tryst, that's enough for 750 individual Zabeel matings (although we wouldn't obviously ask that much of the old chap in one frenetic season). A handpicked panel, including myself and Francesca Cumani, will select the local mares best suited to producing the finest possible stayers out of these couplings, and with the offer of a free service and a better future for this nation, we must hope that the breeders embrace our concept and duly accept (said offer will be articulated in the standard Godfather 'brains/signature on contract' methodology). We shall then sit back and wait, for few Melbourne Cups have been won without patience. No National Stayers Fund horses shall race at two, with only the most developed being afforded light preparations up to a mile and a quarter in their three-year-old year. Our army of dour horseflesh shall subsist on the finest feed and be led by strapper Robert Duval on bridles of finely spun gold (we will take Macedon Lodge by force if we have to). Ride of the Valkyries will be played into their barns 24 hours a day. All National Stayers Fund horses are to be trained by Mick Kent, with Glen Boss receiving the pick of the mounts.
As a people, we must act now and embrace the National Stayers Fund. Fight the battle that must be fought; build the dikes of courage. It is my greatest hope that one of our graduates will progress sufficiently to peak on the first Tuesday in November, 2018, and so reclaim national pride with a single crushing blow against the marauders. "Yes we can."